Disclaimer: This article was published under charlatans’s satire section, Partisan. All quotes and names are fictitious.
Carleton University’s Dining Services says students cannot take food out of the home cafeteria because consuming their food outside their walls will lead to unprotected sex.
Dining service prevents students from taking food outside the cafeteria. In the past, The Caf has cited food poisoning and supply chain problems for the measures that are in place. This new reason is just as absurd, according to students.
“It’s just food to cry out loud,” said residency student Copa Feel. “What do they think it makes us do? Fall in love?”
Students who fall in love are exactly what head chef Ima Prood thinks will happen.
“Because our food is made with love, it can easily lead to moments of love,” Prood said. “One moment the students are enjoying pizza together and the next they are raising the three children.”
Pupil Picki Eatir has been on a Carleton meal plan for three of his four years at the school. He claims that Dining Services’ excuses are ridiculous at best.
“If anything, eating the Caf food will make you fall out of love, not into it,” Eatir said.
Dining Services said it encourages students to continue eating in the cafeteria so the uncomfortable chairs can kill the mood before it hits.
Featured image of Anya Swettenham.
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